eyes of vacancy
to give you bones.
it's hard, i know. trust me. when i stare into your eyes. you just want to come home.
home is no more. it has not been and never ever, will be again.
how do you explain this to a dog when you stare into her sad eyes?
there is always the future baby girl:
'old' pictures from two years ago, the last easter i would spend with my two parents
**
i don't remember when she was given the nickname of 'baby girl', but that is what i call her the majority of the time. her real name is pumpkin which morphed into punky shortly after she came into our lives.
the year was 1994, the summer of 1994. i came home from work one day to find ex-husband #2 (danny) blow drying what appeared to be an over sized rat but which in fact turned out to be a puppy. she had just had a flea bath.
***
i have been taking care of 'the big house' for the past week or so while the remnants of my immediate family are in wyoming. the big estate sale comes at the end of the month. house and land, beautiful land, sold to the highest bidder. i pleaded with my father to purchase it all, keep it in the family but his only interest seems to make sure his 'model-t' makes it home. here. i guess we all have our priorities in life? i know dad, it's rough when you lose your mother but sometimes i have to wonder if you are truly thinking straight? it so bothers me dad. i can stare right into your eyes and ask you questions point blank and all i get is a blank reply. vacant eyes looking for that rental sign.
vacant eyes i have seen light up through this past week. my cat mookie rubbing against my whiskers, gently rubbing his paw and claws across my cheek. gently biting my hairy forearms, with love and respect. pleading for me to rub his furry belly and top side. punky, her eyes wide with delight. wagging her tail inside her dog house. sitting, and shaking my hand. following me and never leaving my side. my mom's two poms, jackson and 'baby girl' (yes another baby girl) just looking for attention and love. two beautiful dogs in their own right.
****
punky, i will never forget that day and that moment. 'the dump' was about cleared out. people were outside talking and mingling, some goodbyes said, others helping to transport the last loads. you knew something was going on, i watched you through out the day, through the move. i saw your nervous eyes.
as i carried the last box out of the house you flew beside me and past the screen door and jumped into the jeep, upon your seat. the passenger side seat. it was if you were saying, "you are not leaving me behind". i had to take you back into 'the dump' and you had to spend the night alone in an empty house. i can't imagine what you were thinking that night as i tried to sleep in a bed, in a new place, a bed you had known so well.
your new home of the past almost couple of years is not so bad. you are loved so very much and are well taken care of. it's been great spending time once again with you and mookie.
your eyes do well up with tears baby girl and i do understand.
i miss you too.
i am so sorry.