oh well, it was great times though.

your words or lack of them sent me to a shrink. you asked for my forgiveness and i gave it to you but the pain is still with me. i will never forget you.

i just smile, all i can do. IT'S a hard thing to explain.

but i open now for business

how long has it been? been awhile. the death of my other dog, put me over the limit.
i am tired of death. have had enough of it.
too many in the last few years that have died.
not just pets, but family and best friends.

i walked out and blew my doctor off today.

people fucking with my mind, people fucking with love, people fucking with the truth?
it all comes around baby. does it not. it's all about friendship, is it not?
that is where my love blooms and also dying like a red rose in bloom.

i took the leaves and walked away, scattered them in a gutter. a driven gutter drain with snot and crap.

on it? i think not.

my heart goes out to so many people: family and friends. i might write again one day and show some pretty pictures. my words have moved so many people. i thank you, and my family. i love you all so much. i will
write again and i am sure it will not be pretty LOL

with that, i wish you all the best in life.

davey, over and out.

we had a good run at it punky. you never left my side for 14 years. other then to ride a roller coaster, i can't think of anything we did not do together; from the beach to the mountains to camping. the park or just running over to get your favorite, a burger king double whopper. no tomato thank you very much! just like dad, me!

you are so missed and were also so loved by so many people and also by your beloved L. (elvis, your long time companion who passed on in 2005) you passed away in your sleep, peacefully. i hope you are in doggy heaven now.

i will miss you so much and i will never forget you baby girl. thank you for everything and all your unconditional love.

davey.

i stumbled and fell, crashed my head and the blood did flow. he picked me up and dragged me.

intervention:

i was tricked. into it all.

good thing:

i guess so. i lost it. it happens to people. nothing to be ashamed about.

pain:

get your ass home little bit. i love you. my promise has been kept. i don't want you to die.

*

this morning i got the call i have been waiting for, for so long now. "baby, guess what? i am in kuwait now and i am out of the war zone."

my prayers have been answered.

on the other. punky. i called danny tonight. your are with EL.

john asked me this morning, "why do you look so sad and melancholy?"

i said, because i don't have anything to bitch about. if i am not bitching, i am not happy. or so it seems.

i have many pictures and thoughts, words of the last few months. i have neglected my 'dear diary' and have chosen to live my life not here, but in the real world. plus, it gets really boring after awhile reading about a tortured soul. even for myself. tortured i am, dealing with it i am. it makes for great writing though, even i have to admit.

*

the silence beckons my call. it comes in my sleep and in my dreams. my shrink says to just clap my hands, "and to let it all go." simple as that. LET IT ALL GO. it's hard to let it all go, the pain. she understands, my family understands and my close friends understand. i am doing my best to understand. to understand myself. i am doing my best to let it all go.

and yes, i have clapped my hands. more then once and with that i start a new year.

this one is for you. be safe and keep out of harms way.
iraq is not where you wanted to be, a doctor and all. there you are though. such is life
and how it all goes.

i love you and just wish you were home. all i have to say.

merry christmas to everyone. see you all next year.

davey

"blow into this tube" the nurse said. her name is kathy. "i have to take your car keys away, you will not drive out of here", she said. i called 3 people, they all showed up. the last 3 years, been tough. it has broken my soul, to the core.

mom, are you there? dammit please. i have been broken. like a face on cement. the blood has spattered. i beg of you mom, please? fuck please?

the tears cascade down upon my cheeks like blood on snow. snow that melts, but the blood always remains. stained on myself for life. stained on my heart.

mom please.

davey

when i can absorb it all in and formulate it all with words, pictures and videos. i will. i have not quite been able to put it all into words yet. maybe i am afraid to?

now comes one of my favorite months of the year, if not my favorite, december. bring on the cold. bring on the holidays. bring on the happiness and joy of it all. i of course will try to forget that i turn 49 this month. i will try and forget, but i doubt that i can. one thing is for certain, i will dwell upon that number big time. it's just a number though and numbers rarely mean much unless one hits the lottery with them.

such is life and so the saga continues:

you called me this evening and we talked. i told you yes weeks ago, but in my gut i am not sure what to do. you say you love me and that i am the love of your life. i love you too, very much so.

what the fuck am i supposed to do? dammit janet, what am i supposed to do? i love you too with all of my heart.

davey

the smoke in the sky, the ashes falling down like gentle snow flakes, the redness of the sun on my face and on the pavement is so surreal in a way. the devestation is very difficult to comprehend. yesterday and today is not unlike a partial solar eclipse of the sun. there is that much smoke and ash in the sky. red sky in the eye. oh my.

oh yes, oh my. i wish i owned a car wash.

you are so mad at me.

i am so sorry i didn't tell you, i was going to though. please look at it this way: myself, my family who loves you and my friends said it would of happened at that moment anyways. i was blessed that it happened with you. i could have been in the pool, driving or shopping alone. i could have died.

you can not deal with fate and that you had saved my life. what goes around comes around. karma? karma makes me smile and why i am still here. i am so sorry i am so fucking sick. it's not my fault, it's just something i have to deal with and i hope you can too.

please forgive me. please?

you are a moody, stubborn fuck. talking to you tonight just brought back horrible memories. i have to spend the day with you tomorrow. all ready telling me the rules what we can ride and not ride. i hate rules of any kind.

you want a second chance, but nothing has changed and it will never work. i will write about it all and take some pretty pictures of us. daniel i love you. i will always love you. you told me so much the last few weeks how much you love me. i understand danny. trust me i do. it can never work.

i never say never and i will give it one last try. from my heart and the love i still have for you.

october 6th, a day i will never, ever forget in my life.

i waited for the results. the results were clean, no lung cancer. the liver, well i think there is hope there.

you changed my life that day. to even write about it will just put more fire into your head. you were and always will be so full of yourself. a selfish bastard. i still can't believe how self-centered and selfish you were and are.

*

after i got my results #2 called. you keep saying that you love me and want a second chance. i know you too well, but i have left that door of options open.

love. it is so hard. to the person that broke my heart almost 3 years ago, i have nothing but love for you. do you remember asking me for my forgiveness? i gave it to you. i understood and i told you so. please stop with the yearly christmas presents and you can't even return a damn phone call.

**

i fell into my jeep yesterday at the hospital. i called my sister. i could not stop crying after seeing my new mother, my doctor. bless her heart and i told her that. both my doctor and my sister.

love, never forgets now does it?

does love ever forget in the heart?

no it does not.

***

love. do not take it for granted. please?

is that because you have hanged them all Mahmoud? *scratches head* why would you outlaw homosexuality in your country of Iran if you don't have any homosexuals there? *scratches head*

"If the Holocaust is a reality of our time, a history that occurred, why is there not sufficient research that can approach the topic from different perspectives?" he asked.

oh really?

"When pressed about the harsh treatment of women, homosexuals and academics who challenge Iran's government, Ahmadinejad painted a rosy picture, saying, "Women in Iran enjoy the highest levels of freedom," he said.

last i heard you beat women in the streets if their dresses are too short.

*

you are an insane dictator. an islamic whacko. you know what happens to whacko, islamic dictators don't you?